Presently in Chaos and Stress (PCS)

A few years ago a dear friend of mine wrote a blog for me and used the title "Presently in Chaos and Stress" and I at this point in our lives, that title is completely fitting.

After only nine short years it is time for us to say good-bye to our current duty station and move on to our next duty station. On one hand it is hard to believe we have been here nine years, but then again it feels like we have been here forever. We are comfortable. We own a home, our kids have a great network of friends, the parental units have a great network of friends and jobs we both enjoy. Comfortable is not somewhere I ever thought I would be. At least not until we retired and built a forever home. After all, this is the military and anything can change a moments notice.

When my husband left the unit and took a job that only required the occasional TDY trip, we became extremely comfortable with our day to day life. We enjoyed weekends, friends, hanging in the driveway with the neighbors, watching our children grow and change, and I have enjoyed that my children have had a little stability in their lives. Our oldest daughter attended 3 first grades, so a little stability was a welcomed change from constantly moving.

Girlfriend's Guide to Surviving Senior Year

No one warned me about senior year. Everyone would just smile, hug me, and tell me how proud I must be. I was proud alright. Proud that on this day I didn't end up in jail needing bail money.

You see, senior year is much like the birthing process. Except instead of birthing a tiny human you are birthing an adult. Which, if you ask me, is a much more difficult and emotional task.

When our first daughter entered senior year, I decorated her car with the window chalk that read "This is my last first day of school." I had pictures of her holding her kindergarten picture. I cried as she drove off to school thinking gosh where have 18 years gone? How can we be here already? But here we were. So in those first days when people would hug me and say "You must be so proud", my heart would swell and my eye would leak with excitement and anxiety as we prepared her for the first day of the rest of her life.

Between Photographs

I love photography. I don't have many pictures of when I was a child. The few pictures I have I treasure. At one of my dad's birthday parties my aunt brought me a bag of pictures that had dozens of snapshots from when my sister and I were little. I can't wait to find just the right picture frames to hang them in my hall. That is a task that I have been meaning to do for a long time. The photographs are still there waiting for me. Still ready to take me down memory lane every time I pull them out.  But what happens between the snapshots that we take? What does life throw at you that isn't captured by a photograph?

Last night my husband and I went to a Passenger concert. The concert was absolutely amazing. I could go on forever about the concert. On the way to the concert I looked at my husband and was really disappointed that I had forgotten my camera. About a year ago I took the plunge and invested in a good camera. I am still a novice photographer but LOVE taking pictures. You can capture so many things in a picture. However, the one thing you can't capture in a picture is the feelings. What was the emotion of the moment? Sure you see people smiling and laughing or making a sad face but what was the true emotion of that day? A picture can't tell you that.

Reflection

Reflection is a great thing if you use for the right reasons likes to figure out what went wrong, what can I do better, and where do I go from here. There have been times in my life that I have used reflection to beat myself up about choices I have made. But today, as I look back on the last 10 weeks I see growth, and determination, stomping my feet like a two year old, and begging for my friends and family to pray for me because I didn't feel strong enough to pray for myself.

It's been no secret that nursing school was never my end game. I want to go to PA school. I want to figure out what is wrong with the patient and be able to chart a course of action for my patient. Pathophysiology is interesting to me. The way medications change your body fascinates me. But along the journey of nursing school I thought it might be best for me to not be a nurse. I thought it would be best for me and my family to take another road that would eventually lead me to PA school. I even went to my instructors and told them I didn't think I would be back and pretty much told them I wanted to quit. The instructors being as wise as they are would not accept my resignation and told me to think about it some more.

Today as I embark on the end of the summer semester I can see the light at the end of the tunnel for nursing school. 32 weeks stands between me and the end of nursing school. At the end of nursing school I won't simply have a degree in my hand, I have a career waiting for me. A career that will assist me in the next part of the journey. I am sure during the next 32 weeks there will be plenty of tears, lots of frustration and not understanding why we have to do certain things, and lots of "I'm sorry I can't go and do that fun thing with you." But at the end of those long weeks I will have the journey to show my children that hard work pays off and lofty goals and aspirations require you to work hard for them.

Get Out of the Way

Today has been a day of mixed emotions. When I arrived at school one of the first things my classmates asked me was "Did you get your packet?" Puzzled I didn't know what they were talking about. I quickly discovered that most of my classmates had received their acceptance letters for the nursing portion of the program. I had not received mine. I sat in class worried. What if I wasn't good enough to get in? What if I had to come to class and admit to my classmates that I did not get in? That would definitely be a lesson in humility.

DD Day 7

Today marks a full week since I started my quest to become less attached to my smartphone. The week has had it's challenges and it's triumphs. Only a few more weeks of detox and I will hopefully have the ability to leave my phone alone and not think twice about it.

Today I did use my phone when I was at school to check grades that were recently updated. Guess who got a 105 and a 101 on her anatomy quizzes? YEP! This girl. There was a momentary happy dance when I looked at the scores on my phone. My days are so jam packed with class on Mondays and Wednesdays that I really don't have time to look at my phone. I do check it in between classes just to make sure I didn't miss a call from one of the kids or one of their schools. Oh, and a few text messages. Still not the amount I had been sending or receiving last week.

Tomorrow is a new day in the land of digital detox.

DD Day 3

Let me start by saying yesterday was a learning process. During the day things went smoothly. It was a different story last night.

Last night was a scout night for our oldest son. We haven't let him attend meetings for a few weeks because he needed to focus on school work and getting things turned in on time. Last night we agreed to let him go to the meeting because we needed to sign a bunch of paperwork. One of the items that was questioned last night was if we wanted our son to go to summer camp. My husband wasn't sure because the dates conflict with a trip we have planned, so he tried to call home. He received the standard busy signal because I was on the phone with my mom. My husband then attempted to call my cell phone. Although he knew I probably wouldn't answer my phone he tried to call it a couple of times. I would have answered my cell phone if I knew it was ringing. Since school is in full swing for me I always leave my ringer off or on vibrate. Normally this isn't much of a problem because I would constantly be checking my phone. However, I am trying to be less reliant on my cell phone. So the ringer stayed off and I left my phone in my backpack. It wasn't until I went to log my food for the next day that I saw my husband tried to call me several times.

Once my husband was home he made this comment to me "If you are not going to use your cell phone while you are at home can we please get call waiting put back on the house phone?" That made me think about how I might need to modify our communication systems for when I am home. I'm not sure exactly what that looks like just yet but I do know that adding call waiting to the house phone is on tomorrow's to do list.

Let's fast forward to today. I felt the need several times to update my status on Twitter or FB. I resisted the urge but it was still there. Mostly because I was frustrated today. I'm not sure why but I was. I discovered my sociology teacher might not be as bad as I originally thought, my a&p lecture teacher is awesome, and I like my other two classes. For some reason I felt the urge to let the world know just how frustrated I was with little things. Like forgetting my pencil case in my car after marching all the way across campus. This desire to vent to friends and followers got me thinking. Scary some days I know. I wonder what the statistic is of posts that are negative in nature. I mean think about it. There is always someone posting good things but is that the norm or the exception?

I'm happy to report that I have resisted the urge to vent my frustrations and instead had a conversation with God. Part of my conversation was asking Him to reveal to me why I was so unsettled. I'd love to tell you that I had a great break through on this but I didn't. I did have some great conversations with my classmates though. I ended up talking about stuff in my personal life that must have been bothering me because I normally wouldn't sit and share what's going on in my life like I did today. Maybe this is what being a grown up looks like!

Change

Surprise! I don't like change. I know I should embrace change because it can bring good things. After being a military wife for as long as I have been, change gets old after awhile. I find myself longing for something to remain constant, predictable, and familiar. That sounds funny to me after I type it because we have been in our house for 3+ years and I am itching to move. :) I guess that's also a result from being a military wife for so long. 

It's been no secret that we have struggled with finding a school setting that would work well for our youngest son. It feels like it has been a constant battle between the school and our family. That's one reason I loved homeschool. It allowed me to teach him how he learned best and there wasn't any judgement from the teachers or administration.

After a long discussion, touring of a different school, and more discussions, we have decided to change our son's school. The school we have chosen is not a traditional school. It is a new school so enrollment numbers are low. The middle school and high school children are in one room. There are 6 or 7 total kids in the room with 3 teachers. It's the closest thing to being homeschooled without being actually homeschooled. You won't be wowed by the latest technology or a fancy building, but you will be wowed by the love that the staff has for the children.The teachers loved on my child from the minute he walked in the door. They talked to him like he was a person that mattered. The teachers and staff listened to our concerns about his education needs, what we needed from the school, and what we felt our son needed to succeed in an educational setting. 

After we toured the school,  my husband and I talked about our options. We agreed that it seemed like it might work for our son because it's not a traditional setting, the class is extremely small, and the work is more challenging. But then comes the big gulp, how do we find the money to send him to a private school? Little did I know that God had been at work a lot longer than I realized. About 6 weeks ago we started the process to refinance our house. We knew it would take about 2 months for everything to be done and finalized. Until we sign papers I didn't think too much about it. We toured the school on Tuesday and on Tuesday evening we got a call that our refinancing would be done next week.(we sign papers tomorrow) How's that for timing? The money that we save from our refinancing will cover the cost of the private school. I only told a few people about our situation and asked them to pray for us. I didn't expect an answer as fast as I did.

In those moments when you think you are too small for God to care about, think again. I felt that way several times over the past few weeks. I can see that the enemy was working hard on my spirit. Especially on me as a mom. There were words I called myself that I wouldn't call another person all because I believed the lies the enemy was telling me. God rescued me from that dark place and showed me (once again) that He hears my heart. He knows my hurts and He cares for me. 

When I am waiting for God to answer I usually get in the way. I don't know why we received an answer as fast as we did that day, I can only say that God's timing is perfect. 

Strong Enough

Here we are 4 months after I received the dreaded phone call that my husband was hurt. I would love to tell you that he came home, healed and we went about life as normal. But that would be far from the truth. My husband has now had 2 additional surgeries and is currently hooked up to a wound vac as I type this.

Initially things looked like they would heal like they were supposed to and life would continue on. For a short period of time he was able to go back to work and start physical therapy. Then came the words that I have grown to hate. It's infected. First course of treatment was a high dose of antibiotics. The ankle quickly became more infected and wasn't responding to antibiotics.

Free Tanger $10 Gift Card

This afternoon I came home and logged on FB as normal. I learned from Army Wife 101 that military families can get a $10 gift card for Tanger Outlets.

How do you get it? It's simple. Show up with your ID card before May 28th, 2012. According to a post on the Tanger Oulets FB page, anyone with a military ID is eligible for the gift card. Visit Tanger Outlets on FB. Make sure to take advantage of this awesome deal and thank them for doing this for us.

First Semester a Success

With the life events that took place over the past few months I forgot to write about my school success. This was my first semester back to school in over 15 years. I finished the semester with a 4.0. YEAH ME! I would like to tell you I managed to successfully balance school, kids, my husband and a deployment but I didn't have balance at all. I was hanging on to the roller coaster ride for dear life.

I had good intentions of still having dinner on the table most nights, being able to drive carpool, keep up with school work and come out looking better than I did when I started. HA! That was more of a dream than anyone's reality.

Before school started I had a decent workout routine, ate well, and had dinner on the table most of the time. During school I became more and more thankful for a teenage daughter that would drive carpool and didn't mind making pancakes for dinner. As long as she could add chocolate chips of course. My workout routine went out the window and I hate to admit that the drive-thru had become my lunch time friend. A few of the pounds I had lost also found their way home to my hips. That was a welcome home party I was not happy to have.

Finding a Church Home

One of the things we have struggled with most as we move from duty station to duty station is finding a church home. We had a church that we LOVED in Texas. I worked at the preschool there, we had great friends, an awesome bible study, a great experience all around. We would have outings with our Sunday school class, parent's night out and our kids loved it there which made it even better for us.

When we moved from Texas to KY we struggled to find a church. We found Olivet Baptist Church and were happy for the most part. The people at Olivet loved on my kids, were nice to us(we made some great friends there also) and we love Bro. Brandt the preacher. But something still felt like it was missing.

Since we left Texas I feel like I have been looking for a church that would meet our needs and we would be able to give back like we did in Texas. I've come up short in our search. It seems we would find a great worship experience but then we'd have to find another bible study class. We are finding that more churches are going to a small group experience that tend to meet during the week than a traditional Sunday school. Now I find myself with two tweens and two teenagers so committing to another activity during the week mentally wears me out. Call me crazy but some nights I like to just sit and veg at the house with my family. I find that if I am over scheduled I don't get the most out of anything we are committed to. I constantly watch the clock waiting for the designated hour so I can leave and go home.

Vacation-It Is What You Make It

Well, vacation has come and gone. I always find myself wanting to stay longer but longing to be home with my own stuff, including my bed. I had a great time with my husband. I feel relaxed, rested and ready for summer school.(ok, as ready as I can be for another semester) But it didn't start out that way.

We wrapped up Parker's birthday party at the skate park on Saturday, kissed our kids good-bye and went on our way. Heading east towards the beach, sun, and rest. We arrived at our hotel, got checked in and quickly became disappointed and irritated. My husband booked our trip. He planned everything. I wanted it like that. I just wanted to pack my bag and leave. No worries about entertaining us or what if my husband wanted to do something that I didn't know about....etc. My husband searched the internet and found a hotel that he liked and they even had a "romance" package available. He booked that package. It was to include room service breakfast, dinner, chocolates, rose petals, movie tickets and a late check out time. My thought was, sounds good to me!

Beach Baby, Beach Baby Give Me Your Hand

Before the accident my mom planned a trip to come and visit while my husband was deployed. She was coming to help our youngest celebrate his birthday. Parker wasn't doing to well with Ted gone. He was angry even though he wouldn't admit it. My mom would provide a good distraction for him. She booked her trip about 6 weeks ago. We are now T minus 2 sleeps!

I'm not sure who is more excited, me, my mom, or my kids. It's been a year since I have seen my mom. She's gonna flip when she sees how big the kids are. Ok, not Mackenzie because she never grows(she is short like me) but the boys are almost as tall as I am.

I'm going back, back, back to school again.......

It is tradition to sit down to dinner at our house. Cell phones get left in a basket, house phone goes unanswered, and the TV is off. We set the table, hold hands to pray and begin to share our day with each other. I love this time of day.
About 6 months ago I felt like I was wrestling with a monster. I have felt like a caterpillar in a cocoon trying to fight my way out. I wasn't sure what I was fighting for but I was sure that once I broke through a beautiful creature would appear.

Six months ago all my wrestling came to a head. We were at the dinner table when  I looked at my husband and said "I think I'm having a mid-life crisis." Laugh, it's funny. My oldest looks at me and replied "Your not 50 how can you be having a mid-life crisis?" My youngest daughter pipes up "Does that mean we can get a new car?" The boys just looked at me like what is that.  Apparently, once again, I had blurted out my feelings with little thought to who or where I was. This was something that had become normal for me.

Joy Comes in the Morning

Yesterday was a whirlwind of a day. From first glance it was a normal day at our house. It was quiet. Until, Parker came home off the bus. Some new kids in the neighborhood have been picking on Parker since they started riding the bus together. He came home in tears yesterday. It wasn't long after he came home that the mom of the other boys was knocking at the door claiming that Parker was the bully and saying things that I am certain he didn't say. I know Parker. I know the things he is capable of. He wouldn't make this comment. I'm sure he said things he shouldn't have but this parent was claiming my child was saying racial slurs. (neither of us heard what happened it was all he said he said) After having a less than calm conversation with this mom I walked away feeling frustrated, angry and attacked.

After a few hours and a phone call with a friend I had calmed down a little. My husband and I made a trip to Lowe's after supper and on the way home I had a frying pan to the head moment. I really felt the Holy Spirit tell me that we (as a family) are at war. Our family (just like most families) are under attack. The enemy will use anything he can to get a foothold and tear us apart. It seems like since we moved here we have been under constant attack. It hasn't been little things either. I'm talking take cover cause bombs are going off.

Failure

Yesterday I was filled with excitement. So much that I could hardly sit still most of the day. The frazzzledness of mom taxi took over after school and we were off and running like always. As my mom taxi duties ended and my husband took over I remembered that the Biggest Loser was on. I didn't watch last season. I had pretty much tuned it out and thought I wouldn't watch this season either. But 2 of the children were gone and so was my husband so I decided to tune in. I was in need of a little motivation.

Over the past two years I have worked to change my habits. Our diet got a major overhaul and I work out 6 days a weeks. During those two years I have manages to lose 60 pounds and keep it off. But as I watched the HUGE numbers that the contestants put up on the scale I felt like a failure. I didn't feel motivated instead I wanted to eat chocolate and drink Diet Coke. (both of which I will never give up completely)

Excitement

I'm so excited I can hardly stand it. I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas morning and it is simply taking to long to get here. What am I so excited for? Women of Faith. Each year it's my short TDY trip to help me refill my empty cup.

For the past few years I have gone with my girlfriend, her sister and her mom. (there are others that join us from time to time but those are the usual key players) We usually would travel to Charlotte for the conference. It seemed to be the easiest for most of us to get to. I always look forward to going. Each year the enemy tries to throw things in our way and prevent us from going. Each year we overcome those things and plow forward.

You Know You're Married Awhile When.......

.....your husband offers you his socks so you can try on a pair of running shoes. :)

As I laced up my shoes this morning I had a flash back to the first time I attempted to try on these shoes. My husband and I were in the PX and I was putting my bare foot in the shoe. I hate wearing socks. I don't always wear them when I wear running shoes. As I slipped my foot in the shoe a lady that worked there told me that I had to wear socks and she couldn't allow me to try on the shoe. She then stood there until I put it back in the box and on the shelf. Without missing a beat my husband looks and me and says "I will take my sock off and you can use it to try on shoes."

Did I sign up for this?

It's impossible to get away from the latest news of the government shut down. It's on every news station and social media site. The number one question most people ask what does it mean for me.

For military members and their families this could be devastating. Many military families live paycheck to paycheck. Some have the ability to save for a rainy day while others are barely hanging on to a rope. It's those same men and women who willingly risk their lives and leave their families for multiple deployments. Some with little dwell time in between. It's those men and women that the government is expecting to go without pay. (along with their civilian counterpart)They are being told that while they won't be paid the appropriate amount on the next payday (April 15) and along with not getting paid they can't take off work or simply not show up. Essentially they are being told that they are to risk their lives for the sake of others but won't be paid. Not only do they now have to worry about the mission at hand but they also have to worry about how their family back home is going to survive.