Ironing

Do you ever feel like there is something you are supposed to do but you dig your heels in the sand and refuse to do it? Like maybe God has been knocking on a door of your heart and you pretend like you don't hear it? It would require work, faith, and in some instances swallowing your pride.

Today when I was at Target I walked by what I was sure was the car of the person I previously wrote about. I haven't spoken to her since the other day and have no intention of speaking to her soon. One thing about me being a Happy Warrior is I know that if I attempt to have a conversation before I am truly ready I will say a lot of things and it will resemble word vomit. I'm good at word vomit. But I am trying to control my word vomit. I think God would like me to control my tongue better. I'm sure my husband would too. :)

Relationships

Relationships are difficult. This is no secret to anyone who has endured any length of relationship.
As an adult I didn't think I would struggle with relationships with other adults. In the recent days I was reminded that while I have a few close friends who are dear to me, the outer circle of friends that I have is........well........not people I should be around any more. 

To give you a little background information I will tell the Reader's Digest version. This Saturday we were supposed to celebrate with our friends that we have been married for 15 years and me being done with nursing school. Some how that celebration with friends morphed into a combo country boil/celebration. I didn't say much and was just going to go with the flow until I was informed that the country boil would have cost me about $270 to feed my family of 6. That is not something we can afford. Especially since our grocery bill is double our mortgage payment right now. (and I'm taking 5 minutes to write this before I go to the grocery store again....ugh) 

And so it ends.....

Another semester of nursing school is over. The final is done (although I'm still not so patiently waiting for my grade) and my mini summer vacation can begin. But I sit here with questions in my head about what I answered right and what I answered wrong and where the heck did that question come from because I sure as heck don't remember reading that. And as nursing students it seems that is all we do is read. I sent my husband a message that said I'm not sure if I should cry or drink. I truly have no idea how I did on that test other than I past. Or I'm pretty sure I passed.

Once our grades post we will be officially called second year students. Something we thought we earned going into this semester but the instructors called this our "bridge" semester. In 32 short weeks(two 16 week semesters) of class we will find ourselves standing at graduation and pinning ceremony. Is that possible? It seems like I have been working forever toward a goal that would never get here.

It is about the Journey

While I was struggling to make a decision about nursing school my husband said to me "I don't think this is about whether or not you should you be a nurse. Or whether or not you should be a PA. I think this is about the journey. For some reason you are struggling and I think it's part of your journey." I hated those words. I cursed those words under my breath. I didn't want to
hear it. It's that how it always goes?

I secretly thought to myself......Self.....We know that the journey is to get to take care of sick babies. We know that is where we are to end up. But again my husband's words haunted me. "It's about the journey." There are several ways to get to PA school. None of them better than another (at least not in my eyes) just different paths, or journeys if you will. So I sat and wondered, and prayed some more. What is the purpose to this journey. I'm here for a purpose. Although I wasn't 100% sure what that purpose was other than to at some point take care of sick babies.

Then all of a sudden like a crash of thunder God hit me on the head with a frying pan as if to say "HELLO HONEY, are you paying attention now?" At that moment I had the revelation as to why I was in nursing school. Not only is it a way to get to PA school but there is a very real possibility that my husband will have to retire from the army before I am done with PA school. Nursing would provide a way for me to care for sick babies and provide an income for my family before or during PA school. While I don't have a desire to work as a nurse I do have a desire to take care of sick babies and nurses do take care of sick babies. I'm fairly good at nursing school. I also work hard at it.

I was all set to tell the instructors that I was withdrawing from the program on Monday. Then life happened and here I am. Still a nursing student. Now a second level (year) nursing student. Three semesters stand between me and graduation. And now I feel like I have a purpose to my journey. I'm not just muddling through or on a path that I'm not sure is right. While I don't think nursing school is the end of the journey to taking care of sick babies I do know that for this moment, right now, I have purpose. It's amazing how much peace comes with purpose. And not just my own purpose but a purpose that God has designed.

Change in Direction

Nursing school.........has been an adventure. A couple years ago I was in a very dark place personally and my marriage was too. I struggled with what my purpose was in life. I wondered was I meant for something more than to be a mom and wife. I struggled with my identity as a mom because my children were all in school and needing me less. My husband had just taken a job that he loved and had much satisfaction doing. I on the other hand sat and waited and wondered. What was the purpose of my life. What did God want from me?

I know I had wrote about how I went to a Women of Faith conference and felt like God was calling me to take care of sick babies. I felt that calling so strongly that I didn't wait or ask God a direction in how I was supposed to take care of sick babies I just went to work figuring out what was the easiest/fastest way to do that. I still feel that calling today, I am supposed to take care of sick babies. But since I didn't have any college credits that would be useful in the medical field or any training I thought nursing would be the quickest way for me to get to snuggle and love and care for sick babies. However, now that I am almost halfway through nursing school I can humbly say that I ran far ahead of God and His vision. 

The power of free will is an amazing thing. I can help and hinder us. For many months I have told my husband how much I hate nursing school (although I'm not sure any nursing student actually likes nursing school), how much I don't want to be the nurse I want to be the doctor that is figuring out what is wrong with the babies and trying to find a treatment that will help them, and how much I admire nurses but have NO DESIRE to work as a nurse. 

Through many weeks/months of prayer, tears, prayer, talking, more tears, I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I will leave the nursing program to pursue a physicians assistant degree instead of doing nursing first and then physician assistant. This journey has not been easy, it has been one of the toughest things I have done. Recognizing that I may have jumped the gun on what God's plans were and having to admit that is a humbling experience. So it is with humble heart (and through tears) that I announce to all of you my family and friends that I will leave the nursing program at the end of this semester. While I have peace about walking away from the nursing program I do not have peace about not finishing something I have started. That has to be the hardest thing for me to get past right now. Throughout the process there have been signs that I was not in the right place, but I chose to ignore them and keep heading down a path that I had determined was best for me. 

I can't help but share with you one of the things that God had let me see to help me understand I was making the right decision. This past Friday I was working a fundraiser at Parker's school. His teacher said to me "I want you to know that we pray for you often. We pray that you are doing well in nursing school and you have peace. We usually pray for you about the time Parker says to us that he hasn't seen you in a couple days. We know at that point it must be a stressful stretch and pray for you." I immediately wanted to get defensive and say how Parker was wrong I see him every day. But when I was honest with myself I realized there were days I may see my children and my husband in passing but I do not interact with them. That is not okay with me. At the end of the day it will matter that I was the best possible mom and wife that I can be not the best nursing student. 

This has been an extremely painful growing process for me. I know so many of you pray for me daily and I can't thank you enough. In the very near future I will be enrolling in a pre-pa (pre-physicians assistant program) at the same school as Mackenzie. 

Just when you think the journey is ending it is only just beginning..............

Get Out of the Way

Today has been a day of mixed emotions. When I arrived at school one of the first things my classmates asked me was "Did you get your packet?" Puzzled I didn't know what they were talking about. I quickly discovered that most of my classmates had received their acceptance letters for the nursing portion of the program. I had not received mine. I sat in class worried. What if I wasn't good enough to get in? What if I had to come to class and admit to my classmates that I did not get in? That would definitely be a lesson in humility.

Deployment Day

Well, it is that time of year again. The time when we prep like crazy to be ready for deployment. It isn't long now until D Day is here and we are once again saying "Until next time."

We have had a roller coaster ride of events this last year. It was almost a year ago that I received the call that my husband was injured. Since then he has had several surgeries and is finally cleared to go back to regular duty. Regular duty for us means lots of TDY and deployment trips.

I had gotten very good at saying "Until next time." I was used to my husband leaving frequently. My husband and I often struggled to connect when he was home for such a short period of time. We struggled in parenting roles, our marriage, and individually with what our place was when he would be home. Often it would feel like we were two people living together instead of a married couple.

Digital Detox Comes to a Close

This past week was my last week of digital detox. I did well at the beginning of the week but towards the end of the week I found myself on my phone more and stalking FB to see what my friends are up to.

This week I am officially done with digital detox and I have found myself with my phone in my hand a lot. I wonder if that is because I truly missed my device or if it is simply because it is the way I communicate with the people in my life. Either way I have become more aware of how much I use my phone.

I am still conscious of how much I use my phone when I am at home. I try to leave it in my purse or on my desk when I get home from school. I take it upstairs to bed with me. Although my husband started school this week and I found myself playing WordFeud with my friends. It does help pass the time.

Going through digital detox I have learned some great things about myself, my surroundings, and that I will not pass out or have an anxiety attack if I leave my phone at home or can't find it for a minute.

If you have a chance I urge you to look at the things you spend most of your time on. Is it something that is worth your time or is it a time sucker? Since doing digital detox I have been able to evaluate some other areas of my life that I might need to detox.

Digital Detox Week 2 Recap

Tomorrow I will enter week three of digital detox. This past week I have used my phone more than the first week of detox but still not like I have in the past.

I find that I can leave the house without my phone and not feel like I am going to have a panic attack. The other day when I was leaving to pick up our youngest son from school I realized I had left my phone in the house. In the past I would have turned around and went back for my phone. On this particular day I kept driving and didn't think twice about it.

Earlier this week my husband made the comment to me that maybe our children need to participate in digital detox. With three teenagers and one tween it seems that they are all plugged into one device or another. He might be onto something. We may have to journey through a few weeks of family digital detox.

Today as I sat in church I couldn't help but notice the amount of people who had cell phones or ipads in service. I would like to think the majority of people were using it to reference the bible passages that the pastor was talking about. However, I couldn't help but wonder how many were lost in the motions of church and simply texting a friend, surfing the web, or looking at FB/Twitter. I did notice a mom handing over her ipad to her child so he could play games. I'm not one to judge because there was a time when I was in that same spot. I just needed my kids to sit still for an hour in church and would go to any lengths possible, but again I wonder how dependent we have become on these digital devices.

A commercial today summed up my thoughts on hand held devices. (at least my opinion as of lately) It is a commercial for some cable/satellite company where the customer is walking and looking down at his cell phone. The other man in the commercial makes a comment that is something like "Hey, the world is happening up here not on the ground." So, I am trying to look up when I walk and make eye contact with the rest of the world. It's harder than it sounds. I challenge you to try it next time you are out and about. You'd be surprised at how many people you see looking at their phone and not paying attention to the world.

DD Day 6

Let's just say yesterday was an epic fail day. I managed to spend the day loading CDs on my computer so we can donate them to the library. Since I was right by my computer I was on FB more than I should have been. My phone was once again attached to my arm. If I'm using it for school does that time count as more of a computer time or still phone time? This is something I have been asking myself. I also found myself on ebay. I'm not sure why I am loving ebay right now but I have managed to find some good deals on things I have been looking for. Ebay is nothing more than a time sucker. Before you know it an hour or more has gone by.

Today hasn't been as bad. I have used my phone for studying. My computer is still being occupied with CD downloads. I'm hoping it will only be a few more days of CD downloads before the task is complete. Next time I come up with a bright idea like this remind me that I tend to vastly underestimate the amount of time these types of things take.

As I look back on this week of detox I think I am moving in the right direction. It is not an easy process. Especially in a world that seems to be smartphone driven, or at least smart device driven. My goal for this experiment has always been to spend less time on my phone and be less dependent on it. I am moving in that direction. Onward to see how tomorrow goes.

DD Day 5

Yesterday had it's fair share of setbacks.

We found out yesterday that we have the opportunity to go on a ski trip with my husband's unit. It is a family trip but set up like a marriage retreat. For those of you not familiar with a marriage retreat it is an event put on by the unit chaplains. Usually the cost of the hotel is covered along with a couple of meals. The chaplains put on brief workshops to help strengthen different areas of your marriage. It is a great opportunity to go and spend quality time together as a couple. Marriage retreats usually happen just before or just after a deployment. Most often the marriage retreat is offered after a deployment as a way to help the couple reconnect. The ski trip is set up the same way but invites families to come along. But wouldn't you know, the ski weekend is the same weekend that we planned to have my neighbors baby shower. We are still in the early stages of planning the shower. Because of this I sent a bunch of text messages to my friends to try to fit both things into our calendars.

Since I already had my phone in my hand it was very easy to check the items I'm watching on ebay, check FB and email. Needless to say I had my phone in my hand more than I wanted to.

Last night was movie night at our house. In the middle of the movie I found myself reaching for my phone to check email from school, assignments that posted and once again found myself on FB. At this point I got up and put my phone in the kitchen. It was away from my immediate reach. That seemed to do the trick. If I didn't have my phone within reach it didn't bother me.

Fast forward to this morning. I have had my phone right next to me as I look up definitions for anatomy. I even downloaded a medical dictionary. I will admit some times it is easier to simply log on to the Internet from my phone than to get on the computer. I'm hoping that once my homework is done I can set my phone out of reach and forget about it for the rest of the day. Here's to hoping!

DD Day 4

It's another day in detox land. I needed to remind myself today that the end goal of this detox process is to spend less time on social media, less time on my phone, and more time with my family and doing things that I enjoy. 

I did log on to FB last night to brag about our youngest daughter. She is a sophomore in high school. She took her PSAT's a few weeks ago and had gotten her score back. She scored in the top 20%. I am so proud of her. If only I could harness some of our girls work ethic (when it comes to school) and funnel it to our boys. 

Today I sent a text message to my neighbor to complain about my school work. Last semester I whined and carried on about how horrible my lab instructor was. She was bad. Death by power point is not something you should find in an anatomy lab. Back to the point at hand, this semester I have a lab teacher that I think will rock. We have tons of hands on time with the models and slides. But along with that comes a ton more work. I welcome the challenge but felt the need to whine about my work load today. I knew my friend would understand my message since she is a college student as well. We shared some misery moments together last semester. 

Wordfeud is sending me messages that I need to play a word or I will lose the game. While I really want to finish the games I started, I find myself resisting the urge so I can truly get used functioning without my phone. I don't want my phone to continue to be an extension of my arm. 

I recently bought myself a new Canon Rebel T4i camera. Since I literally had NO idea what I what to do with it, I found an awesome tutorial on how to use it. I spent some of my off time on Tuesday playing with the settings and watching the video. So this weekend after I have spent some more time on my homework I think I will take a trip outside and see what kind of pictures I can take. I might even leave my phone in the car when I venture out. :) 

DD Day 2

I have to say leaving my phone alone has been easier than I expected it to be. Granted I have been busy with school work and working on how to take awesome pictures with my new camera. I will admit that I did send a text message today to ask my neighbor if we could get together on Thursday instead of today. I'm feeling a little under the weather today. I'm sure that is helping my ability to not look at my phone or worry about where it is.

I will also admit that I sent my dad a message on FB last night. While I am trying not to send text messages I am reading any that I get. Just in case. You never know when you will get a text that has information that you need. In that respect I like text messaging. I like being able to send a text and ask my girlfriend what Mary Kay products she needs or send a note to a friend telling them I am thinking about them. I might not have time for a phone conversation but I can get the info or send the info immediately and not forget. Anyway, I received a message last night that one of my dad's good friends had gone to be with the Lord. I knew my parents were sleeping and a text message might wake them up but wanted my dad to know that I heard what happened so I sent a message on FB late last night.

As I continue to progress through this journey I can see how our society has become very dependent on social media. Since I have removed all social networking apps from my phone including news apps, I have felt a little disconnected from the world. I have no idea what everyone is up to. However, I have been able to give my undivided attention to the things that matter most. My family, friends, and school work.

Since I am not feeling the greatest today I have spent a lot of time on the couch with the TV remote and my computer. (computer for school work, blogging, and camera tutorials) After spending most of the day lounging trying to kick this icky bug I'm not sure what I miss more, cable TV or my apps on my phone.

So, overall day 2 of digital detox has gone fairly well. I'm not itching to find my phone or check to see who has sent messages, or sent a bunch of text messages. Successful progress is baby steps forward to the desired goal. I think I'm doing just that.

DD Day 1

Well, I would love to tell you that I have sailed through the day without the use of my phone and I had no problems. While I have done okay, I have also experienced some issues.

The first problem presented itself last night. I realized that I wouldn't be able to take the battery out of my phone and leave it till morning because I use my phone as my alarm clock. Not wanting to trek out last night to purchase a traditional alarm clock I decided that I would turn my phone on but leave it in airplane mode.

My morning routine is usually to get up, get the kids up, check email and social media and then proceed about the day. Today I got up, got the kids up, checked email and left social media alone. I did have to physically remove myself from the computer to avoid the temptation of checking to see what was happening on FB or Twitter.

As I was driving to school I quickly realized that without being able to send a text I needed to make several phone calls today. I have two people in my life who are having a birthday today, my husband needed to know about before care drop off at the youngest child's school, my oldest needed instructions for what to do with the dogs, and the list goes on. At one point I almost caved in and text my neighbor to see if she could let my dogs out for me. I resisted the urge and guess what? The dogs were just fine. Even our brand new puppy survived the day in her kennel. She was super excited to see me this afternoon.

Digital Detox

In the past I have admitted that I have an ongoing affair with my smart phone. It never leaves my sight. Okay, maybe it does leave my sight because there are multiple times I can't find it, but I definitely never leave home without it. I think my husband's multiple deployments have fueled the addiction to my phone. Thinking that I could miss his call would drive me crazy. So I often will sleep with the house phone and my cell phone. But, he's home now. Do I really need to be on my cell phone as much as I am?

Tonight as I sat watching TV a dateline story came on about four twenty something girls that went through two weeks of digital detox. They had to give up their cell phones, internet, and gps for two weeks. They could only use the internet to check email and for work. It sounds easy. I've tried to do this more than once. I usually fail miserably.

Change

Surprise! I don't like change. I know I should embrace change because it can bring good things. After being a military wife for as long as I have been, change gets old after awhile. I find myself longing for something to remain constant, predictable, and familiar. That sounds funny to me after I type it because we have been in our house for 3+ years and I am itching to move. :) I guess that's also a result from being a military wife for so long. 

It's been no secret that we have struggled with finding a school setting that would work well for our youngest son. It feels like it has been a constant battle between the school and our family. That's one reason I loved homeschool. It allowed me to teach him how he learned best and there wasn't any judgement from the teachers or administration.

After a long discussion, touring of a different school, and more discussions, we have decided to change our son's school. The school we have chosen is not a traditional school. It is a new school so enrollment numbers are low. The middle school and high school children are in one room. There are 6 or 7 total kids in the room with 3 teachers. It's the closest thing to being homeschooled without being actually homeschooled. You won't be wowed by the latest technology or a fancy building, but you will be wowed by the love that the staff has for the children.The teachers loved on my child from the minute he walked in the door. They talked to him like he was a person that mattered. The teachers and staff listened to our concerns about his education needs, what we needed from the school, and what we felt our son needed to succeed in an educational setting. 

After we toured the school,  my husband and I talked about our options. We agreed that it seemed like it might work for our son because it's not a traditional setting, the class is extremely small, and the work is more challenging. But then comes the big gulp, how do we find the money to send him to a private school? Little did I know that God had been at work a lot longer than I realized. About 6 weeks ago we started the process to refinance our house. We knew it would take about 2 months for everything to be done and finalized. Until we sign papers I didn't think too much about it. We toured the school on Tuesday and on Tuesday evening we got a call that our refinancing would be done next week.(we sign papers tomorrow) How's that for timing? The money that we save from our refinancing will cover the cost of the private school. I only told a few people about our situation and asked them to pray for us. I didn't expect an answer as fast as I did.

In those moments when you think you are too small for God to care about, think again. I felt that way several times over the past few weeks. I can see that the enemy was working hard on my spirit. Especially on me as a mom. There were words I called myself that I wouldn't call another person all because I believed the lies the enemy was telling me. God rescued me from that dark place and showed me (once again) that He hears my heart. He knows my hurts and He cares for me. 

When I am waiting for God to answer I usually get in the way. I don't know why we received an answer as fast as we did that day, I can only say that God's timing is perfect. 

I Had an Affair..........

.......with my phone. You see after carrying that little thing with me every where I went, sleeping with it, and checking it every 5 minutes, it occurred to me that I was having an affair with my phone.

When my husband deployed for the first time I didn't go anywhere without it. I made sure it was always charged or had access to a charger and it never left my side. I even upgraded to a phone that would allow me to IM with my husband and, of course, I had to have access to email anytime of day. I couldn't stand the thought of missing a phone call from my husband. Just the thought of missing a call gave me anxiety.

Around the Corner

When I was younger I always dreamed I would marry someone who would get me out of the town I was growing up in. I didn't like where I lived. It was small, everyone knew everyone, and not a lot of change happens.

I didn't know that God was listening to me when I was praying for someone to take me away from everything I knew. I just knew I wanted out. On a hot day in June, in Green Bay, I met a nice Marine. Once he told me he was a Marine I figured it would be a fun adventure. I didn't realize that the adventure would still be going on 13 years later. On Saturday we will be married for 11 years.

We have had the privilege to live in many different parts of the country. Each place had something unique to offer. In Washington we enjoyed living on Whidbey Island. We enjoyed great views that looked like something from a post card. In Texas we experienced that everything is bigger in Texas. Including the hearts and open arms of the people we became close to. In Kentucky/Tennessee we learned the hardship of deployment, the true meaning of friends, and absence does make the heart grow fonder. Here in North Carolina we are enjoying being three hours from the beach and three hours from the mountains. Of all the places we have lived this one will be our longest duty station. We are learning how to stay put for more than a minute. Having lived in 5 states and 9 houses in 11 years I always feel ready to move.