It is tradition to sit down to dinner at our house. Cell phones get left in a basket, house phone goes unanswered, and the TV is off. We set the table, hold hands to pray and begin to share our day with each other. I love this time of day.
About 6 months ago I felt like I was wrestling with a monster. I have felt like a caterpillar in a cocoon trying to fight my way out. I wasn't sure what I was fighting for but I was sure that once I broke through a beautiful creature would appear.
Six months ago all my wrestling came to a head. We were at the dinner table when I looked at my husband and said "I think I'm having a mid-life crisis." Laugh, it's funny. My oldest looks at me and replied "Your not 50 how can you be having a mid-life crisis?" My youngest daughter pipes up "Does that mean we can get a new car?" The boys just looked at me like what is that. Apparently, once again, I had blurted out my feelings with little thought to who or where I was. This was something that had become normal for me.
I was at the point where I could begin to see that my kids will be leaving the nest soon. (some days not soon enough) I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. For 17 years I have been mom extraordinaire. The children are at the point in their lives where it isn't really cool to have mom around. Although it is still cool to have mom baked treats in their lunch. They now have a sister that can drive them, so they need me even less.
I felt trapped because we bought our house 2 years ago. The housing market isn't great here so we would have to rent our house if we moved. We have been here 4 year. Usually by now we are packing up and moving to a new duty station. This is the longest we have lived anywhere since we have been married. With this unit we will be here until we decide we want to leave, so packing and moving isn't on the list in the near future.
A few months ago when I traveled to Women of Faith I had a break through. I felt like God had been telling to go to school. I have felt that way for a few years. But without a degree in mind I felt it would be a waste of time. Then there were mom duties and for awhile we home schooled the boys so I didn't see where I could fit in school for myself.
My friend, my friend's sister and I traveled to Women of Faith like we do every year. We were at dinner on night one and I made the comment that I want to go to school for nursing and I think I'm supposed to work with sick children. Without missing a beat my friend's sister said "You would be a great nurse." That statement changed the way I saw myself and going back to school. There was something about the way she said it. I felt like God was speaking to me. My friend said "I had never heard you say it(that I wanted to be a nurse) with that much determination before." I hadn't said it with any determination before.
In past conversations I had mentioned to my friend that I thought I wanted to go back to school for nursing. She listened and said she'd pray about it. The great thing about my friend is she never wants me to get my cart before my horse. I do that. I either dismiss an idea altogether or jump on the band wagon. I knew she wanted me to find my way and was praying that I would. I think I shocked her at dinner when I made a firm statement. I hadn't done that with anything that had to do with my career or where God was pointing me.
That night as we sang in worship I cried. I thought my friends were going to have to pick me up off the floor. Natalie Grant was signing Your Great Name, we were all standing, signing, crying, and I had a vision from God that I would be working with sick babies. Call me crazy but I actually saw myself sitting on a hospital bed, in scrubs, singing to a child. I hope pitch and tone won't matter to the children because I am not a great singer. I felt God tell me that I am supposed to sing to those babies and be a light to the parents.
My vision of WOF had bee predetermined by me. My friends lost their mom a few months before our event. Their mom always went with us. She was an amazing lady. I thought I was there to help my friends on their healing journey. I didn't even think that by simply showing up that God was going to do such an amazing thing for me. It's amazing what happens when you just show up.
I came home from my trip and began my school search. One that I had done so many times before. This time was different. I felt God leading me to the school and through the process. I studied for the placement test and amazed myself at how well I did. I even bragged to my kids when I came home on Friday and showed them the paper. My oldest son was so excited for me that he ran out the door to greet his dad with my test paper in his hand.
I'm excited that the journey has begun. I'm excited that I feel a sense of purpose with what I am supposed to be doing. One other thing I want to share with you that I learned that night in worship is this: Don't put your cart before your horse. My children are still children. While they might not want me around, they need me around. I was so focused on what was going to happen when they were gone that I was missing the moments while they are still here. I was so focused on the future that I was forgetting about living in the present.
If you feel lost I know from experience that God will lead you where you need to be. Don't give up hope. Live for today. Tomorrow will figure itself out.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
No comments:
Post a Comment