Failure

Yesterday I was filled with excitement. So much that I could hardly sit still most of the day. The frazzzledness of mom taxi took over after school and we were off and running like always. As my mom taxi duties ended and my husband took over I remembered that the Biggest Loser was on. I didn't watch last season. I had pretty much tuned it out and thought I wouldn't watch this season either. But 2 of the children were gone and so was my husband so I decided to tune in. I was in need of a little motivation.

Over the past two years I have worked to change my habits. Our diet got a major overhaul and I work out 6 days a weeks. During those two years I have manages to lose 60 pounds and keep it off. But as I watched the HUGE numbers that the contestants put up on the scale I felt like a failure. I didn't feel motivated instead I wanted to eat chocolate and drink Diet Coke. (both of which I will never give up completely)



The contestants lost more in one week than I have in the last 6 weeks. I made the comment to my husband (who had come home with children in tow) that I felt like a failure. His reply to me was "Why do you feel like a failure? Because you can't train all day long with a trainer, nutritionist, and have no outside distractions?" I just looked at him on the verge of tears.



This weight loss journey has not been an easy one for me. One week you work your tail off and the scale refuses to budge or worse yet mocks you as you step on it. It's a never ending cycle of finding balance. I have great friends and relatives that are trainers.(one is my brother) They all tell me to not watch the scale. I can't help myself. It's almost like morning coffee. I don't feel like I function right if I don't weigh in.


Over the years I have gotten better about not letting the number determine how I feel. Instead I gauge how I feel based on 'how I feel'. There's a concept :)


As I went for my morning workout today I felt funky. As I walked and talked with God I realized that I still felt funky because I was seeing myself as a failure based on other peoples success. I wasn't basing my feelings on anything I had or hadn't done but what other people had done. I think it's something we all do from time to time. We judge ourselves against people who we see as having it all together. They are usually people in places that we want to be but haven't gotten there yet.

I was reminded this morning that God isn't comparing me to other people. He won't stand me next to a Biggest Loser Contestant and say "Well, you didn't work as hard as Tina here so sorry you are denied entry to heaven."

I often have frying pan to the head moments with God. Sometimes I feel like I am in a Lucille Ball episode and God is screaming LUCY (except it would be SHANNON, since that is me) It takes me awhile to get somethings. Some lessons I continue to get. (I really wish I would figure out the lesson so we could move on from it)

I am a work in progress. I will never be finished or perfect or the same as someone else. I think I need to have the same attitude when it comes to my weight loss. It is a work in progress and a journey that is mine. Once I hit my goal weight I will never be finished. At that point the training doesn't stop, it changes.

On the radio this morning I heard this quote "You are never a failuer until you quit." I'm not sure who said it. I'm going to type that up and put it on my office wall.

In the words of Dory the fish I am going to "just keep swimming" and success will find me.