And so it ends.....

Another semester of nursing school is over. The final is done (although I'm still not so patiently waiting for my grade) and my mini summer vacation can begin. But I sit here with questions in my head about what I answered right and what I answered wrong and where the heck did that question come from because I sure as heck don't remember reading that. And as nursing students it seems that is all we do is read. I sent my husband a message that said I'm not sure if I should cry or drink. I truly have no idea how I did on that test other than I past. Or I'm pretty sure I passed.

Once our grades post we will be officially called second year students. Something we thought we earned going into this semester but the instructors called this our "bridge" semester. In 32 short weeks(two 16 week semesters) of class we will find ourselves standing at graduation and pinning ceremony. Is that possible? It seems like I have been working forever toward a goal that would never get here.

Reflection

Reflection is a great thing if you use for the right reasons likes to figure out what went wrong, what can I do better, and where do I go from here. There have been times in my life that I have used reflection to beat myself up about choices I have made. But today, as I look back on the last 10 weeks I see growth, and determination, stomping my feet like a two year old, and begging for my friends and family to pray for me because I didn't feel strong enough to pray for myself.

It's been no secret that nursing school was never my end game. I want to go to PA school. I want to figure out what is wrong with the patient and be able to chart a course of action for my patient. Pathophysiology is interesting to me. The way medications change your body fascinates me. But along the journey of nursing school I thought it might be best for me to not be a nurse. I thought it would be best for me and my family to take another road that would eventually lead me to PA school. I even went to my instructors and told them I didn't think I would be back and pretty much told them I wanted to quit. The instructors being as wise as they are would not accept my resignation and told me to think about it some more.

Today as I embark on the end of the summer semester I can see the light at the end of the tunnel for nursing school. 32 weeks stands between me and the end of nursing school. At the end of nursing school I won't simply have a degree in my hand, I have a career waiting for me. A career that will assist me in the next part of the journey. I am sure during the next 32 weeks there will be plenty of tears, lots of frustration and not understanding why we have to do certain things, and lots of "I'm sorry I can't go and do that fun thing with you." But at the end of those long weeks I will have the journey to show my children that hard work pays off and lofty goals and aspirations require you to work hard for them.

It is about the Journey

While I was struggling to make a decision about nursing school my husband said to me "I don't think this is about whether or not you should you be a nurse. Or whether or not you should be a PA. I think this is about the journey. For some reason you are struggling and I think it's part of your journey." I hated those words. I cursed those words under my breath. I didn't want to
hear it. It's that how it always goes?

I secretly thought to myself......Self.....We know that the journey is to get to take care of sick babies. We know that is where we are to end up. But again my husband's words haunted me. "It's about the journey." There are several ways to get to PA school. None of them better than another (at least not in my eyes) just different paths, or journeys if you will. So I sat and wondered, and prayed some more. What is the purpose to this journey. I'm here for a purpose. Although I wasn't 100% sure what that purpose was other than to at some point take care of sick babies.

Then all of a sudden like a crash of thunder God hit me on the head with a frying pan as if to say "HELLO HONEY, are you paying attention now?" At that moment I had the revelation as to why I was in nursing school. Not only is it a way to get to PA school but there is a very real possibility that my husband will have to retire from the army before I am done with PA school. Nursing would provide a way for me to care for sick babies and provide an income for my family before or during PA school. While I don't have a desire to work as a nurse I do have a desire to take care of sick babies and nurses do take care of sick babies. I'm fairly good at nursing school. I also work hard at it.

I was all set to tell the instructors that I was withdrawing from the program on Monday. Then life happened and here I am. Still a nursing student. Now a second level (year) nursing student. Three semesters stand between me and graduation. And now I feel like I have a purpose to my journey. I'm not just muddling through or on a path that I'm not sure is right. While I don't think nursing school is the end of the journey to taking care of sick babies I do know that for this moment, right now, I have purpose. It's amazing how much peace comes with purpose. And not just my own purpose but a purpose that God has designed.

Change in Direction

Nursing school.........has been an adventure. A couple years ago I was in a very dark place personally and my marriage was too. I struggled with what my purpose was in life. I wondered was I meant for something more than to be a mom and wife. I struggled with my identity as a mom because my children were all in school and needing me less. My husband had just taken a job that he loved and had much satisfaction doing. I on the other hand sat and waited and wondered. What was the purpose of my life. What did God want from me?

I know I had wrote about how I went to a Women of Faith conference and felt like God was calling me to take care of sick babies. I felt that calling so strongly that I didn't wait or ask God a direction in how I was supposed to take care of sick babies I just went to work figuring out what was the easiest/fastest way to do that. I still feel that calling today, I am supposed to take care of sick babies. But since I didn't have any college credits that would be useful in the medical field or any training I thought nursing would be the quickest way for me to get to snuggle and love and care for sick babies. However, now that I am almost halfway through nursing school I can humbly say that I ran far ahead of God and His vision. 

The power of free will is an amazing thing. I can help and hinder us. For many months I have told my husband how much I hate nursing school (although I'm not sure any nursing student actually likes nursing school), how much I don't want to be the nurse I want to be the doctor that is figuring out what is wrong with the babies and trying to find a treatment that will help them, and how much I admire nurses but have NO DESIRE to work as a nurse. 

Through many weeks/months of prayer, tears, prayer, talking, more tears, I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I will leave the nursing program to pursue a physicians assistant degree instead of doing nursing first and then physician assistant. This journey has not been easy, it has been one of the toughest things I have done. Recognizing that I may have jumped the gun on what God's plans were and having to admit that is a humbling experience. So it is with humble heart (and through tears) that I announce to all of you my family and friends that I will leave the nursing program at the end of this semester. While I have peace about walking away from the nursing program I do not have peace about not finishing something I have started. That has to be the hardest thing for me to get past right now. Throughout the process there have been signs that I was not in the right place, but I chose to ignore them and keep heading down a path that I had determined was best for me. 

I can't help but share with you one of the things that God had let me see to help me understand I was making the right decision. This past Friday I was working a fundraiser at Parker's school. His teacher said to me "I want you to know that we pray for you often. We pray that you are doing well in nursing school and you have peace. We usually pray for you about the time Parker says to us that he hasn't seen you in a couple days. We know at that point it must be a stressful stretch and pray for you." I immediately wanted to get defensive and say how Parker was wrong I see him every day. But when I was honest with myself I realized there were days I may see my children and my husband in passing but I do not interact with them. That is not okay with me. At the end of the day it will matter that I was the best possible mom and wife that I can be not the best nursing student. 

This has been an extremely painful growing process for me. I know so many of you pray for me daily and I can't thank you enough. In the very near future I will be enrolling in a pre-pa (pre-physicians assistant program) at the same school as Mackenzie. 

Just when you think the journey is ending it is only just beginning..............

Listen & Take Action

Many moons ago I was attending a Women of Faith conference with some friends. It was there that I felt the calling to be a nurse. I remember listening to Natalie Grant sing and as I raised my hands to worship the Lord I was overcome with vivid images of me taking care of sick babies. Not only that but ministering to the families of the sick children. I was overcome with emotion.

When I would announce to friends that I thought I was supposed to be a nurse I always received the same response. "You would make an awesome nurse." As the saying goes, the rest is history. I have been plugging along in the nursing school. I used to hear rumors and talk about how much work nursing school is. Well, they weren't kidding. I have told my family that nursing school has custody of my brain because that is what it feels like.

Part of the requirements for nursing school is that I keep my CNA certificate current. In order to do that in the state of NC you have to work so many hours for pay. I had been applying at Duke and UNC for various positions that I am qualified for. Both are large well known teaching hospitals in the area. While I would be honored to work at either hospital I have always secretly wanted to work at Duke. I want to work in the PICU or the NICU. Wouldn't you know that one day, by the grace of God, I looked at Duke's employment web-site and saw that they had an opening in the PICU for a CNA. That was back in September. I hadn't really heard anything for quite awhile and then yesterday I had a call that they wanted to set me up for an interview. I was doing a happy dance in my kitchen. Our youngest daughter looked at me and laughed. I think she secretly thought that nursing school had successfully gained full custody of my brain and I was going to return anytime soon.

I know that I still have to go through the interview process and I know that it is a long shot for me to actually get the job but I also know a mighty God who set this plan for my life in motion a long time ago. A God who has a great purpose for my life and when I get out of the way I can see the vision I had so many years ago coming to reality. Once again I am left in awe of the work God has been doing for so long in my life. So friends when you feel God call you to do something take action on His plan. The path is never easy but it is so worth it.