Monsters

Yesterday I made the drive from Colorado to Texas. My husband took a job that requires him to travel quite a bit for work and this Thanksgiving he found himself in Texas. I’m always up for an adventure and decided to drive to Texas.I had my drive all planned with podcasts, books on tape (otherwise known as audible), and lots of music. I hate searching for radio stations and we have let our XM subscription lapse, so my phone would be the go to entertainment device. I stopped for gas and got back in the Jeep and there was a station that was playing some form of the top 20 or 40 countdown, country style. I love me some country music. I caught the tail end of the song Monsters by Eric Church. Have you heard it? I’ll include the YouTube video in case you haven’t heard it. But the chorus goes like this.....

Anymore when a restless feelin’ keeps me up at night

Fallin’ on my knees in my new turnin’ on the light

I keep my faith intact, make sure my prayers are said

‘Cause I’ve learned that the monsters ain’t the ones beneath the bed

If I’m being completely honest, I haven’t done much falling on my knees to pray about anything these days. I have become distant at best in my relationship with God. In fact, I have even been questioning the existence of God. If you know anything about my journey and where I have been, that last statement probably shocks you. But, that is a post that deserves it’s own title on another day.

In life the monsters aren’t the ones we suspect or the ones we are anticipating. When we know of a life event that is going to happen we can sort of brace for their impact. It’s the ones that sneak up behind us, the one we weren’t expecting that make us struggle to catch our breath. That could be a family member suddenly becoming ill or passing on, the loss of a job, the loss of a relationship, or trust being broken with someone you love........there are plenty of monsters out there that will show up over the time I spend on this earth. 

In the past two weeks my world has been turned upside down and inside out. And when I heard the last line of the chorus, ‘Cause I’ve learned that the monsters ain’t the ones beneath the bed, I felt like that line was a direct strike to the heart. 

For me, the monster that came knocking is losing trust in someone you loved. Someone who was supposed to protect me from all the ugly things of life. Someone who helped raise me since I was a teenager. Someone who my kids adored. And now......all of that is gone. My family is now trying to figure out what the new normal is and how we go forward. For the past couple days my focus was on my mom and my kids. I could sort my feelings out later. Well, later came calling and today was the day.

I went to lunch and was sitting at a table with my soup and salad in front of me when out of no where I started sobbing. I may not have always agreed with my stepdad or gotten along with him, but I knew that if myself or my family needed anything he would be there. But now there is no trust there. And I am not interesting in rebuilding the trust or the relationship. Sometimes in life you have to fight to work through things and sometimes you have to recognize when it is time to move on. For me, it is time to move on in life without him. Moving on is hard...............but sometimes necessary.