Ironing

Do you ever feel like there is something you are supposed to do but you dig your heels in the sand and refuse to do it? Like maybe God has been knocking on a door of your heart and you pretend like you don't hear it? It would require work, faith, and in some instances swallowing your pride.

Today when I was at Target I walked by what I was sure was the car of the person I previously wrote about. I haven't spoken to her since the other day and have no intention of speaking to her soon. One thing about me being a Happy Warrior is I know that if I attempt to have a conversation before I am truly ready I will say a lot of things and it will resemble word vomit. I'm good at word vomit. But I am trying to control my word vomit. I think God would like me to control my tongue better. I'm sure my husband would too. :)


As I walked by her car I cringed. The thought of having to make nice, awkward small talk, or worse yet I feared that word vomit would happen right there in the middle of Target. Something I did not want to happen. I would feel better if I got it all out but I knew that Target was not the place for it to happen. I mean after all I don't feel the need to start a new thread on Facebook titled "The people of Target." I enjoy Target too much for that to happen.

I bet you are wondering if I went in Target. Well, I did. Against my better judgement. I felt a nudge to return to my car and go on my way but I didn't. I wanted to get school supplies and new dishes. I had a plan. I like plans. Well, God had a plan too. As I round the corner to head towards school supplies I saw her. The person I did not want to see. She did not see me and I ended up turning around and walking away. I had children with me and so did she. If one thing word vomit has taught me, it is to control it long enough so that children are not present when it happens.

I ventured throughout my day and came across something at another store that would be good for this person's mom. I thought about texting her a picture and letting her know where to find it. I refrained. I'm still angry. I'm still hurt. I still have way to much I want to say but I don't want to be nice about it. I want to hurt her feelings and make her feel like she has made me feel. So I went about my day and did nothing about my relationship with her. Later she sent me a message that we would have matching roof colors. I immediately began more angry. Why does that matter to me? Who cares what roof colors we have? But yet I find everything annoys me lately about our relationship or nonexistent relationship.

So here I sit. With all these feelings that I do not know what to do with. I feel like God is nudging me to take the high road and at least have a conversation with her to smooth things over. If for nothing else than the sake of my husband. After all our husbands are friends too. Throughout my many moments of word vomit with my husband over this issue I asked him if he thought I was over reacting. His response was "You feel the way you feel." There are a couple times I asked him other things and his response was "We are guys. We don't think like that." So my response was then I want to be a guy. I'm tired of emotional, irrational feelings. I still don't feel like my feelings have been irrational my behavior may have been. I'm not 100% sure what I could have done different but I think in any situation there is always something we could have done better or different.

A simple conversation may bring the final closure that I need to move on from this relationship. Closure. There is a word that I didn't think about until I typed it. Maybe God is trying to provide me with a way to have closure so that I can move on and not waste energy on something that needs to be removed from my life. Maybe God is trying to refine me and help me extend grace to another person. This has always been something I struggle with. There are lots of maybes in this equation. I don't really feel any different than the other day. I know God has a plan and is using the time I have away from my nursing books to do some ironing in my life. And not the kind of ironing that I do with my clinical uniform but ironing to help me smooth out the wrinkles in my life. Get rid of the ones that I can do without and find a way to address the wrinkles that need attention. I think ironing is a lot like pruning. It's tough. It's work. But in the end with God's guidance, grace, and love it will be worth it to become the person He wants me to be.