What a Difference a Day Makes

Last year at this time things in our household was very different. I felt trapped and not sure why I was even here. I felt as if I wasn't important, that you could stick any person in my 'job' and no one in my family would notice a difference. I felt like I was losing myself and I didn't know how to find my way.
To be completely honest I was sure that our marriage was on its way to being over. I started to think of a life as a single parent and to me it seemed a doable option. I was tired of deployment, tired of fighting with children and being a sole care provider, tired of being in a geographical place that I don't care for, I was tired of everything in my life. To put it in simple words I was miserable.

Last year just before Women of Faith I was sure that my marriage was over. I didn't have the energy to fight for it anymore. After WoF I had hope that things would be better and we could get through this tough spot. I returned home with hope in my heart and a willingness to change me, focus on me and what I can do to make things different.


When I look back at where we were last year and where we are now I am amazed. Amazed at the work of the Lord. I can see how the enemy was attacking our marriage and how I tired quickly and was ready to quit fighting. I am blessed to have great friends and family that continued to pray us through it. There were many days when I would wake up and simply say to the Lord "I'm tired Lord, I don't even know what to pray for today. Help me see what I need to see." More days than not a simple conversation like that was all I had the strength for. But I had mighty prayer warriors around me. Even though they are thousands of miles away from me they still surrounded my family and I in prayer.

Deployment can do many things to you. One of them is make you rigid and hard. For us, and this is no secret, we spend more time apart than together. With TDY and deployment my husband has been away more than home. It is easy to start thinking about life as a true single parent. It's easy to think that your husband doesn't care or isn't thinking about or missing you anymore. It's harder to stay. It's harder to do the work to repair, reconnect, and re-establish your family after a deployment. I was reminded that life wasn't meant to be easy. I don't learn the lessons I need in the easy times. I also learned through that period of time that the enemy will attack any small place and keep attacking until he wins.

I have written before that I thought our marriage was under attack. I didn't know how to fight back. I felt like I was losing my husband to the demands of the military and there wasn't much I could do about it. Deployment and TDY were taking my husband, changing him and spitting him back out at me a different person. I didn't know who that person was. What I didn't take into consideration was how different I was. Deployment and multiple TDY had changed me too. Because of the crazy schedule this unit has we were never together long enough to connect and rediscover each other. We went on marriage retreats, trips as a family, date nights but because of the crazy schedule we never let our guard down. We knew before to long the military would call and off he would go.

If you look at our family from the outside we look the same. The changes that happened weren't anything you can see. We became softer towards each other. Opening up and letting down the wall that we often kept up because the pain of separation was to much to bare. Before the last deployment my husband was home for 4 months. That is the longest he has been home since we moved here. Four solid months of home life before the last deployment. Those months, while short, helped lay the foundation for finding our way back to each other.

What a difference a year makes. This year is filled with laughter, soft hearts, a willingness to change and help each other, an open mind, and a strong connection to each other. It's also filled with challenges, crazy schedules, and all the stress of daily military life.  This year is going to continue to be filled with love, grace and kindness. I can't wait to see what the rest of the year holds.