Fear

Today was chalked full of  things you should not say to a military wife. I will spare you all the details but I was once again confronted with people that don't know what to say to me so they say something that they think will be comforting but it just made me more angry.

I'm a ball of emotion waiting for my husband to get home. Today the unit called to tell me to expect my husband home in the next 72 hours. Then this afternoon, during biology, my husband called to tell me he would be home tomorrow night.

I quickly realized I have very little in the house for groceries and NO COFFEE. No coffee at my house means a cranky husband in the morning. Knowing that he would already be edgy from being in pain I want to make sure I can help where I can. After my commissary trip I checked my phone (I never get reception in the commissary) and saw that I missed a phone call from my husband. A few minutes later he called again and I got to speak with him.

We talked about logistics of tomorrow and I asked the question that opened the flood gates of tears. I asked "Will you have a wheelchair take you from the gate to baggage claim?" I'm still not sure why I asked that question. I hadn't thought about it before. In my head I assumed he would have a wheelchair. It's a lot of walking to do on crutches and in pain. My husband replied "I hope so because it's a long way to walk."

I waited until we hung up the phone and I started to cry. It was at that moment I began to realize my husband's injuries. My husband is the strongest person I know. He is one that once he wakes up in the morning he hits the ground running. I am the polar opposite. I find myself wanting to relax in the bed, enjoy the quiet and leisurely start my day. Usually by the time I get down the stairs my husband has projects started.


For the past 5 days I have been going like the energizer bunny. A woman who has a deployed husband and children doesn't have many other options. To some extent that has allowed me to not think about what has happened, how to process it and even really cry about it. One morning I woke up and felt emotional but most of the time I put on my war face and conquered the day.

Tonight in the parking lot of the commissary, after I hung up the phone, it was just me. No children or family to be strong for. No fake smile to put on. Just me and God. I began to ask God why He thought I could handle this and tell Him I'm not strong enough, I'm not tough, and a whole list of criteria as to why I didn't feel I could walk this path. I left the parking lot and drove home. I didn't have any great sense of what God was trying to tell me and I still don't, I felt lost, angry, hurt, invisible, and ungrateful.

This song came on my ipod as I drove errands after the commissary. I'm still looking up, I won't give up on us, I'm giving all my love to God and my husband, and God knows I'm tough enough.  So today, once again, all I have to offer are tears. I'm glad God takes them.