Restless

Over the last few weeks I have had a restless spirit. I can't seem to sit still, which isn't that unusual for me, but I can't focus on anything. When I'm in the car, I'm constantly changing the radio station and yelling at the other drivers. When I finally decide to go to bed I lay there not able to fall asleep and once I fall asleep I don't stay asleep. I couldn't figure out why I was restless.

The stress in our house has been over the top. The boys school work load has been off the charts and adjusting to a traditional school setting has been more difficult that I had anticipated. Top that off with the girls schedules and school stuff and a husband who is always coming and going. I bet you think, well, right there is why she is restless. Normally, I would agree with you. However, I have had this schedule for a while and in the past I know I can sit still for longer 2 minutes.


This past weekend I went to Women of Faith with my best girlfriend and her family. It's tradition. We go every year for the past 5 years. Some things happened before I was supposed to leave and I was convinced that I wasn't going to be able to go this year. I even had the heart break of telling my friend that I didn't think I would be able to make it. I went to bed Wednesday night feeling sad and defeated because I wouldn't be able to go to WoF. I woke up Thursday morning and the first thought I had, before my eyes were even open, was that I need to pack for WoF. I wasn't sure where that was coming but I had this overwhelming feeling that I needed to go. About noon I had sent my friend a message that I was coming. I wasn't sure what time but I was coming. Stepping out on faith I finished what I had to have done that day and packed my things and hit the road.

I always walk away from WoF with something. But I was worried that this restlessness would cause me to miss what God had for me. I often found myself fidgeting or getting up to go to the bathroom (partly because one day I took 2 water pills instead of one) I couldn't focus. I was still worried about the things at home. My mind was still at home and not present with me. About halfway through the program I sat back in my seat, closed my eyes and prayed that the Lord would make my spirit still. That whatever it was I was meant to hear I would hear. Even if I didn't want to hear it. After that prayer I was still restless but I think the Lord helped me tune into the parts of the program that I was meant to hear.

What I heard was instead of always asking why me I should be asking why not me. I shouldn't be worried about what is happening my home life as unfair and undeserved but as a blessing. Through the struggles we will come out better. I also heard that this could be for good. I don't know what lays ahead but these circumstances could be for good.

Then I had a frying pan to the head moment. I felt like God had hit me with a ton of bricks. I learned that while I live a transparent life I am not vulnerable. I don't let many people into my heart. In a way it makes sense. My husband always leaves so I keep him at arms length. Most of my friends are kept at arms length because before too long you will move or I will move and then that will hurt. So, instead of allowing that hurt I will self protect.

As I sat with those two thoughts, I was sure I had what God had intended for me. I figured I was done. Those two thoughts were about as many as I could handle and then came another frying pan to the head moment.

I had been praying for things to change with our marriage, the school, the schedule but felt like those prayers were bouncing off the clouds and marked return to sender. I had been praying and praying and felt like I had bloody knees and I still had no answer or peace. As I sat in the auditorium I realized I had the answer to the prayer for a while. I just wasn't willing to accept that answer. The answer wasn't in changing my husband's schedule or my kids school work or even their schedule. The answer was me. The Lord was trying to tell me that I needed to change. I needed to change my approach to those things. Before this past weekend I wasn't ready to hear that. I wanted change but I didn't want to be the one to change. I felt like I wasn't doing anything wrong.

Once I sat and acknowledged that I had known this and asked the Lord to help me see my part in the problem and to help me change my attitude, I didn't feel restless any more. I finally felt at peace. The whole time I felt restless I was actually having a wrestling match with God. My heart was hard and I was angry.

What I didn't know about this whole process was what my girlfriend was praying for. She knew all the details of the week and she had been praying that I have a soft heart. She knew I was hurting, she knew that she couldn't change what was going on but she knew that the only way I would see what needs to be done is to change my heart. I didn't learn that she had been praying for my heart to change until the conference was almost over.

I left of the weekend unsure of how to go forward with our family but I came home with a soft heart, an open mind and hope. Somewhere along the way I lost hope. I didn't know that I had lost it until I found it. My friends, if you feel lost or restless don't tune out what God is trying to tell you. If you don't know how to change a situation or how it will get any better pray for a soft heart. It was with that soft heart that I was able to see another point of view and see things I had been missing this whole time.