Boxes

With being in the military moving is unavoidable. It comes, sometimes, at a moments notice. With the boxes comes the stickers. Stickers on EVERYTHING. If it makes it to the moving truck it has a sticker. UGH! Those stickers are my enemy. I will find them months and months after a move. Some I didn't find until the movers were putting the new color stickers on for our last move.

When we hear the word boxes we think of military boxes. Boxes in storage or the garage or maybe even those pesky stickers. But do you ever think of the emotion baggage you have as boxes? I sure didn't. Not until this past weekend.

I went to Women of Faith with my girlfriend, her family, and my step-mom. One of the speakers started to talk about a married couple and the baggage that they bring to the relationship. She said it's like having boxes of stuff that you haven't unpacked. She said your boxes can be labeled all different things. For example, moving many times, abused, abandoned, unloved, etc. I sat there and thought I'm not sure I have boxes. Not big boxes anyway. Sure I hate deployment, sure I hate being without a husband and a single parent, but I wouldn't consider it baggage. I didn't think I had baggage that would hinder my personal relationships with people. Then she went on to say that everyone has one box in common. It is labeled " WHERE WERE YOU GOD? or WHERE ARE YOU GOD?" After she said that the tears started to flow. I have that box. It is a rather large box.

It is not a secret in our lives that my husbands constant leaving is taking a toll on me. It is not a secret that I am struggling. I have been very open about it. I didn't realize that all this time I have been saying "WHERE ARE YOU GOD?" Why can't you help me get through this and be that mom/wife with my spirit back? If you can fix all things, why can't you fix me?"

Later in the conference the same speaker said if I asked you "What would make you happy?What would your answer be?" I thought about it. I also thought that it really doesn't apply to me. I am generally happy. I wish my husband was here more, but everyone has something in life they wish for. After the conference and the tearful good-bye to my best friend, my step-mom asked me the same question. "What would your happy look like?" I thought about it and the answer shocked me. My answer was simple-I wanted my Fort Campbell life back. Despite the deployments and trouble with the school I was happy there. I had the best group of women around me that year. One of those women is my best friend. That group of women had my back. They were my battle buddies. The relationships that formed over that year long deployment are still, for the most part, in tact.

Although we have been here for 2 years, I do not have those battle buddies here. I have formed relationships with women but not like I had at Fort Campbell. I know that God has a plan for me. He has a purpose for us being at this duty station. I also know that while I feel like He has left me yelling to the Heavens "WHERE ARE YOU GOD?", He is right here with me. He has my next group of battle buddies lined up waiting to meet me. I'm not sure where they are coming from but I'll be so happy when they are here with me.